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November, 2005 IV The Worse of timesJanuary 2001: there was nothing I could do. The GAL had exhausted all she could, yet the judge always agreed with this lady JM, who to this day I cannot forgive. I am trying, but it just is not there yet.
The plan was a slow reunification. This was due to the fact, they recognized Annie was very attached to me, used to our lifestyle and she had to form a bond with the bios and see where she would be living and get used to it.
This was the worse time for me. It was like having a cut, that everytime it healed a little, someone would rub sandpaper over it.....my heart was broken and i truly had a hard time functioning.
The beginning was one hour unsupervised visits at the bios home. Well, the first time she came back her feet were disgustingly filthy. She stated: I hate going to that house, it is so dirty and it smells bad.
I wanted to be there for Annie. I knew it was going to happen so I tried to explain to her, I was not her mommy, I had been caring for her while her real mommy and daddy were not able, but now they wanted her back because they loved her so much. I told her I would always love her, and even though she may not see me, I said I will always have you in my heart. I was honest and told her I really fought to keep her here with me, but the judge is the one to make decisions and he decided she was to go back to her parents. She cried: I want to stay here, at my home with you. I cried too. Many times during this period we would just sit together, hugging or holding hands, just wanting to be with each other. We both, and mean a three year old can pick this up, well we both knew the time was coming so we wanted the last months to be quality time together. I tried my best I gave her a super 3rd Birthday Party, I knew they would never give her the same as I had, I really wanted her to remember this.
Another way I tried to help her adjust is I would ask her, which one do you think you look like dada or your mama. She would always reply, NO, i look like you. I would then point out that she had been in her mama's tummy and she really did look like both of them. I tried, I really tried. My love for her is and was strong enough that i did not want her to suffer the anguish I was at such a time.
It was heartbreaking to watch her go thru this stressful time. I continuosly told her and showed my love for her, yet still trying to get her used to the idea that she had to go to her bios, they loved her and could now care for her.
The visits became longer: 3 hours at their house unsupervised. Soon it became all day visits. Then the one of the worse times: she was to spend an entire weekend there. While she was gone I do not think I left my room. Except to go to her room and cry and cry.
The reunification took 8 very long, painful months. Slowly they eased her into the bios life. Now at this time the bios insisted they still wanted me in Annie's life as she loved me so much. JM however made the judge rule I was not to see her for the first six months. I really understood this was best for Annie. Not for me though.
After the first visit Annie started to do something very strange. She would rub her privates in a frenzy. When I brought that up, they accused me of trying to sabatoge the case. The bio father stated: she does that at our house too. So JM stated: Annie is picking up on the foster moms stress, of course it was my fault.
Finally, August 10th 2001, happened to be my birthday. I had told Annie the next time she saw me in court would be the last time. The judge decided it was time for her to go home. She cried again. But I did what I could to help her.
Then the day came. I walked into the hall where court was, to await our case to be called. Annie was there with her parents. She immediatly ran to me and wanted to stay on my lap. At one time her little chin started to quiver, I knew the tears were coming. TO this day I regret not allowing her to cry so I could give her the comfort she needed at that time. Instead I re directed her attention on something else. Well JM was watching me like a hawk. She knew that in court, if the bio parents held her, she would run to me. So this bitch, took Annie and held her the whole time. Our case was called. The GAL, the head of GAL, the worker, and the DCF attorny:all of them again telling the judge this was not in the best interest of the child. On the other side was the bios , their attorney and JM. JM stated to the judge, I usually do not hold a child like this, but the foster mom is here and Annie is so attached to her. They did compliment me throughout this 8 month period. I had indeed cared so well for Annie and my foster care was the best they had ever seen. Great. Later the head of GAL stated she would forever be haunted by Annies big green eyes staring sadly at me throughout that court hearing.
During the court, Annie never stopped staring at me and I at her. I could read her eyes, she was pleading that I stop this. I could not. Finally the judge ruled Annie was to go "home" forever. She did however state the family was to be supervised under protective custody. She also ruled the GAL was still part of the case and could visit the home whenever she wanted.
When the ruling came, the other side were all hugging and keeping Annie from seeing me. I must say I was strong in court. No tears. But the minute I stepped out of the court room I broke. My cousin and friends were all there for support. Really there was nothing to say. The case worker came up to me and stated, I have a fifteen year old foster girl who is pregnant, that child will be up for adoption. Well how could I even think about it. That was the last thing I needed at that time.
I cried all the way home with my cousin. I can still remember stating: It hurts so much...and it did. When we arrived home, my mom was there, and ran to me and held me in her arms. Now I want to share I am crying this very minute as I write this. I so remember the pain. Then walking into my home and seeing the room that was Annies. This time I fell to my knees in pain, but not in awe, in such pain, I could not stand. I kept stating, Dear God, how could you do this to me, what kinda trick was that? I was so angry at HIM at the time. I begged, I bargained, I pleaded for my baby. Four days later mom and I packed up many of Annies clothes and toys and sent them via the transporter to her. He stated just how disgusting the parents were, and the house did indeed smell awful. It also was roach hotel.
After 11 days of isolation I knew I had to leave. I could not remain in this house to heal. Truthfully, the one comfort was the elder ladies in the Church. I refused to talk to anyone except my parents. Well the ladies left messeges stating: JC we know you cannot pray right now, but know we are standing in the gap and praying for you. This was the only comfort I can say actually helped.
August 21 I went away, to a clinic to help me. I had indeed been broken. I stayed there one month. During this time my mom would call almost everyday. She too was devestated for Annie and for me. She asked did I want her to pack up what was left of Annies. I said NO. I was not ready to wipe out all signs that Annie, my sweet baby, was gone forever. So when I walked back into my home after the month long hiatus I went straight to the photo album and sat on the bed in Annies room. I cried and cried.
TO BE CONTINUED;
again I apologize, this is so painful for me and the next part will get worse. It is hard to imagine anything worse then having your baby ripped from your arms. But it did. I wll continue when I have the strength to go on.
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