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novembre 2005 How God stepped INI left off with Annie gone on August 10th 2001. I then went to a rehab for my breakdown for a month. Well when I returned, surprise surprise, the bio parents had left three messeges for me. When I returned the call this is what they said:
"Annie is asking for you all the time, we were wondering if she can spend a weekend with you because this is really a lot of work to care for her!" DUH!
I told them, no, first off I did not want to do what was told not to do, have contact with Annie for the first six months...I also stated I did not think it was in Annies best interest. Unfortunatley she was there to stay and I surely wanted her back, but I had come to the realization, she was not mine, she never was, she was their daughter. yes, the workers were so very wrong to tell me this was an adoption placement, plus prior to becoming a foster parent I had told God; Use me as you wish Dear Lord....well, be careful what you ask God for....the good news that my friend who is a early child development teacher stated the fact that for over three years, during such a very important time, i had helped connect brain cells that might never of been stimulated...i also showed Annie how to love.
So I went back to work in September. See I had quit my job that January when I knew I was losing Annie. I just could not do it, plus I wanted every minute I could with her. So again, I was back at work, doing outside sales business to business and I was doing okay.
In October on a Friday eve the department called: we have a beautiful little boy, under age 1, and the one that had called was one of workers i had become friends with...he stated, JC you need to get back on the horse. At first I resented him making that decision for me...later I realized he was right. I told them I would take the little boy for the weekend until longterm placement was found. They stated this boy was so sweet and they so wanted him to be in a GOOD foster home like mine. So that was when Kyle arrived. He was indeed so very sweet. He was so cuddly, he loved to snuggle and just lay his head on my shoulder. He also bonded so very much with my mom and dad, esp dad. So of course on Monday I decided to keep Kyle until he has permant placement, either back to his bio mom, or adotion.
Now Annies parents called almost every week, asking me to take her for a weekend, finally I agreed. It was very difficult. The minute she got in my car I asked do you know who I am? She stated, yes, you are my foster mommy and I am your baby. Heartbreaking. Well we did have a wonderful weekend together. Then on that Sunday when I brought her back, right in front of the bios she cried, NO NO, I want to stay with foster mommy. It broke my heart. Once again, as I drove away those big green eyes stared at me, again pleading me to not leave. But I was not in control. I had no choice. After that I never heard from the bios again.
Well, turns out Kyle's mom was really wacky. She actually admitted to the judge she had had someone follow me home, so she was watching my house. Now this was creepy to say the least. The judge issued a statement that she was not to come in contact with me nor be anywhere, other than court at the same time: a restraining warrent.
So Kyle was an angel and I did indeed fall in love with him. In december we had tubes put in his ears as he was so prone to infectins. Well that very day he became different. Apparently his hearing prior to the tubes sounded like he was underwater. Now he was babbling and saying ma ma and a few other words.
Also, if you remember a worker, when I was in the middle of Annies reunification had told me of a child that no doubt would be up for adoption and I was def. getting first choice. So on Jan. 8 2002, Chloe came home. She was in bad shape. You can read about her in my blog My Little Spitfire.
She and Kyle were a few months apart, so it was like having twins. Much fun. Chloe however was in survival mode and very jealous of any attention I gave Kyle. I can remember one instance, they were both sick and they both wanted to just be held. Well I am only one person. So I sat on the floor and held each on one shoulder. Kyle was content, but dear Chloe was not. She kept pushing Kyle off. Eventually she became nicer to him. But they really were like night and day. Kyle was like Annie, sweet, calm and listened to No and I only had to say it one time. Chloe was the opposite. She was a handful. I can remember sitting with her, looking down into her eyes, saying you are so beautiful, you are so lively and curious, I just know that God is going to allow me to keep you....because I do not think many others would have patience for her. As it was, she already had been in at least five other foster homes. So she stayed.
Then the calls came. It was October that year. Right before halloween. My cell rang. It was the new case worker on Annies case. she stated, things were very bad and they were going to remove her from the home tomorrow. I was sad, because it was obvious the GAL had mislead me, I guess she thought it was better for me to think she was okay. But I was so happy, Annie was coming home. The next day I waited and waited. Then I got the second call. The atty for the parents had done it again. She had convinced the judge, along with JM that this was an isolated incident and they just needed more support. So there I was now knowing Annie was in a bad place. My prayers became that I pray Annie be safe, never hungry, frightened, hurt, too cold or too hot. I also asked HIM if anyway she could return to me, I would so want. Again this pray was the one prayer, like the first one, I prayed it, but in my heart I thought she will not be home to me. she was gone. That year I rec'd over 4 calls, each time telling me Annie would be there today, or in two hours, four times I waited, got excited and everytime that JM stepped in and saved the parents. The case worker also told me Annie kept saying she wanted her foster mommy. I lost it then. I was beside myself this was torture to say the least. I could not work my job, so again I left work. It was so difficult for me. I was happy with my two babies, Kyle and Chloe, but I so missed my Annie. Plus knowing she was being neglected, and subjected to violence was so very disturbing. I would dream about her all the time. One dream was that she was in a fire. I found out later that dream was true. Strange isn't it. I also started having panic attacks and much depression.
I started to pray that Annie forget me, I knew it was so hard for me, she was so young, I wanted her to be happy and missing me was not in her best interest. Of course I also prayed the same pray I mentioned above.
In Feb. 2003, when Kyle was just about to turn 2, it became obvious that he was going to go up for adoption. Of course I had first choice. Well I must say, I was in a very vulnerable state. I realized I had no daddy for Kyle and a boy should have a dad. He was so attached to my dad, and I knew that my dad was 80 and I did not want to subject Kyle to that loss when the time comes.
So I allowed a weekend respite visit with a couple I knew, they were good people, and he would be given a very good lifestyle. If I tell you this was difficult ,that is an understatement. But I made a decision on what was best for Kyle, not what was best for me. So, sadly in one hand, but glad he was getting a wonderful mommy and daddy I said yes, they could adopt him. As his birthday and the dad's were a day apart I thought first I could not go thru a long time of Kyle going back and forth, plus it was a very selfless Birthday gift to him. So a few days before his second Birthday I said good bye to sweet Kyle. Later, about six months, I attended his adoption party. Kinda crazy. Here I was five years trying to adopt and this couple had a child forever in six months. Guess it is luck of the drawer, or God was working. To this day, I think of Kyle almost every
Then May 3rd, 2003 I was at McDonalds with Chloe and my friend D. My cell phone rang. At first I was not going to answer, but then I saw the number and picked up. It was Annie's mom. She proceeded to tell me her husband was dead. He had overdosed in bed the night before. She did not realize it until mid afternoon, when she tried to wake him and realized he was blue. Would I could I come and take and raise Annie. She loved Annie enough to know she was not capable of caring for her. I did not tell Annie right away her dad had died. Eventually I did and she did grieve for him. She had come to love them, with all their faults they were her bio parents. But I do believe she accepted it. I am told every few years, children who suffer tramatic things will reprocess the incidents over again, as they are older and their understanding becomes that much better. Let me share, this day, May 3rd is my favorte cousin;s birthday, she is best friend and we are always mistaken for twins, even though I am adopted, guess being around each other we have the same mannerisms. Anyway, this day was the same day I arrived at my parents house to be their daughter and be adopted. NOW THIS WAS MY SIGN. Also, the day chloe arrived, Jan8th is my cousin's sister, another very close cousin, well it is her birthday, guess it could be coincidence, but I choose to believe it was part of the plan and a sign telling me HE WAS HERE.
Well I was there in one hour. The husband was stilll in the bed, dead. It was a very horrible picture. Annie was up stairs in another apartment. to shield her from this view. I can remember walking in the door and her back was too me, then when she turned around I was in heaven. My sweet Annie. She ran right to me. i was so happy. So as she was, I took no clothes or toys, first because I did not want to go back into that house, did not want Annie to see her dad plus the house and everything in it smelled awful: both cigarette smokey and just nasty. I also did not want to chance bringing home roaches. Yuck.
I called my mom on the way home and when we arrived both my parents were there. Annie jumped out of the car and ran to Grammy and Papa. Really we could not believe this was happening.
To make the ending short, as I know this is a long tale. At first the agreement was I could adopt Annie, but the bio mom was allowed visits each month. I would of ageed to anything by this time. However the agreement also stated I could stop the visits anytime I felt they were not in Annie's best interest.
One night during that time, as I tucked Annie in bed, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, is anything bad going to happen to me again." WOW...my heart was crushed for the ordeal she had to go through. But see, they had won the battle, but with the Grace of God, we won the war. The adoption was unique as it was not usual for two children, who are not siblings by blood to have an adoption together but the Deptartment did work that out...guess they knew how bad a job and injustice they had done to my Annie. They had failed. But see how wonderful God is. He does give us miracles and Chloe and Annie are my miracles.
I stopped the visits after about four months after the Dec. adoption. For Annie as long as she had to see her bio how could she really feel secure. First she had been with me, then ripped away and told she was with them, now once again back with me....this is a lot for anyone to go through. As time went on she shared the terrible things that had happened to her in their care. All I could say, was I love you with all my heart. you are going to be with me forever and I would do anything to keep her safe.
That year she started Kindergarden. Really she was still in shock so in the end we repeated Kindergarden. It was better. By the time the next school year come Annie was very secure and doing so well that she learned everything and she was happy. Truly happy. Of course Chloe was very jealous and to this day still is...but I am told that is typical of most siblings.
So that is the end of Annies tale and my horrible journey that ended so very wonderfully. I do to this day know that GOD had been in control all along. Truth is I would never of taken Chloe if Annie had not left. So perhaps that was part of the plan. Of course I will never know. But I do not care.
I am a mommy. I have two beautful girls and we are all a very loving, grateful family.
Praise God!
THE END
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